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Top 10 reasons to get a webcam

10. Your mother-in-law can see your new baby; but doesn't actually have to come for a visit

9. Your boss can keep an eye on you 24x7.

8. You don't have to wear deodorant for video conferences.

7. Two words: live births

6. Inexpensive way to monitor rust.

5. Confirms your paranoia about people watchin' you all the time.

4. Makes your web site have more hits than them Hanson boys.

3. You can send yourself into cyberspace without that wacky weightlessness problem.

2. Internet video mail means no nasty stamps to lick.

And the Number One Reason to buy a Logitech QuickCam...

Lets you meet your chat room sweetheart face to face before you fork over big bucks for a plane ticket.


A young blonde was asked by a guy who had just made love to her: "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"

"You might be," she replied, "Your face looks familar."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."


A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was

assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers.

She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way

to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and

shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight

and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but

I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work

things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and

unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could

hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address

microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed

through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO

HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the

gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and

swore, "Fuck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll

have to stand in line for that too!"


Dad came home one day in an exceptionally horny mood and took his wife upstairs for sex. Just when they were really getting into it, their young son entered the room and started to cry. "What's wrong, son?" the father asked. "Why are you crying?" "You're hurting my mommy," the little boy replied. "No, no," the father reassured, "I'm not hurting her. We are making babies." This seemed to calm the boy, and when he left the room the couple went back to their business. The next day the father came home from work and found his son on the steps, crying. "What's the matter NOW?" asked Dad. His son replied, "It's those babies you were making with mommy yesterday. The mailman is upstairs eating them!"


A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."


Bill was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Bill was shocked and depressed, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. After the operation, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see, size 44 long?" Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." replied the salesman.

Bill tried on the suit, it fitted perfectly. As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!". The salesman eyed Bill then said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck.". Bill was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." came the familiar reply.

Bill tried on the shirt, and it fitted perfectly. The salesman asked, "How about new shoes?". Bill was on a roll and agreed. The salesman eyed Bill's feet and said, "Let's see, nine-and-a- half?" Bill was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?". "It's my job." said the salesman again. Bill tried on the shoes and they fitted perfectly. He walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Bill thought for a second and said, "Sure, why not." The salesman stepped back, eyed Bill's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36." Bill laughed smugly, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The shocked salesman shook his head, "You can't possibly wear a size 34! It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"


burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus"


A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch.'"


A boy comes home from school and walks past his mums room. She is laying on the bed rubbing her body moaning " I want a man, I need a man " The next day the same thing, here is mum on the bed rubbing her body moaning " I want a man, I need a man " The next day the boy comes home and to his amazement here's mum with this bloke plugged in rasping away. He runs into his room and chucks his bag on the floor, Leaps on to his bed and starts rubbing his body up and down saying " I WANT A BIKE I NEED A BIKE "


How are prostitution and bungie jumping the same? 1. they last about the same amount of time. 2. they cost about the same 3. and if the rubber breaks, your dead


On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses people's weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.

Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her to return and asked how the evening went.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.


A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing." The four year old nodded his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm. The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."


A father came home and asked where his son was. His wife replied that he was downstairs playing with his new chemistry set. The father was curious, so he wandered downstairs to see what his son was doing. As he walked down the steps, he heard a banging sound. When he got to the bottom he saw his son pounding a nail into the wall. He aid to his son, "What are you doing? I thought you were playing with your chemistry set. Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?"

His son replied, "This isn't a nail, Dad, it's a worm. I put these chemicals on it and it became as hard as a rock."

His dad thought about it for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what, Son, give me those chemicals and I'll give you a new Volkswagon."

His son quite naturally said, "Sure why not."

The next day his son went into the garage to see his new car. Parked in the garage was a brand new Mercedes. Just then his dad walked in. He asked his father where his Volkswagon was. His dad replied, "It's right there behind the Mercedes. By the way, the Mercedes is from your mother."


Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed and all three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: "Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?"

The first coach said, "I'm Denny Crum. I was the second-best coach in the nation. I won two national championships and over 20 games a year. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."

God said, "Fine, Denny, stand on my right side."

The next person said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was the third-best coach in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."

God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."

The third person stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight and I've won three national championships, 2 NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, I was the youngest coach ever to win 600 games, and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair."


1.In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove blood from the highway after a car accident. 2.You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days. 3.To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl....... Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. 4.The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china. 5.To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola. 6.To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion. 7.To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes. 8.To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan;rap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy. 9.To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze fromyour windshield.

FYI: 1.The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days. 2.To carry Coca Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials. 3.The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up! No joke. Think what coke and other soft drinks do to your teeth on a daily basis. A tooth will dissolve in a cup of coke in 24-48 hours


There were two friends. One evening, they were in a bar arguing over which of them could have sex the most times in one night. They decided to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse for the evening. So they got to the whorehouse, paired off with a couple of the ladies, and went to their respective rooms.

The first guy energetically balled his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, marked a line on the wall. Then he fell asleep. He woke up in a couple of hours and screwed the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically. Again, he reached back and marked a line on the wall. Again, he fell asleep. He woke up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humped the hooker again. He drowsily marked a third line on the wall and fell asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, his friend barged into the room to see how he did. He took one look at the wall and exclaimed, "A hundred and eleven? Damn! You beat me by three!"


An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions. Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire. "Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly. "No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!" "And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those fucking Indians.'"


Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer. Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat. "So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. She pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave!!! She had a great BIG dick!!! And Dave, I CAN'T SWIM!!!"


Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said.... "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. "You told me you penis was the size of an infant!", she said. "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!" The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease." The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!" "Oh thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!


A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink, he remarked," that's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend." "Wow " exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you need a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?" "I walked over to my wife, the man replied, looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out!" "That makes sense," said the bartender," but what about your friend?" The man replied, " I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, " BAD DOG! BAD DOG! "


A man who worked for the Fire Dept. came home from work one day and told >>his >>> wife, "We really have a wonderful system at the fire dept. >>> >>> Bell 1, we all put on our coats. >>> Bell 2, rings and we all slide down the pole. >>> Bell 3, rings and we are on the truck ready to go. >>> >>> "From now on we are going to run this house the same way. When I say: >>> Bell 1, you strip naked. >>> Bell 2, you jump into bed. >>> Bell 3, we are going to make love all night." >>> >>> The next night when he came home from work and yelled: >>> Bell 1, she took off her clothes. >>> Bell 2, she jumped into bed. >>> Bell 3, they began to make love. >>> >>> After a few minutes she yelled "Bell 4." >>> >>> He said, "What the hell is Bell 4?" >>> >>> "MORE HOSE" she responded, "YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."


> MY OATH TO YOU, My friend > > When you are sad, > I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking > bastard who made you sad. > > When you are scared, > I will laugh at you and tease you about it every chance I get. > > When you are worried, > I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit complaining. > > When you are confused, > I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass. > > And when you are lost, > I will answer my cell phone and give you directions. > > When you are sick, > I will hold your hair while you pay homage to the porcelain god. > > When you fall, > I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. > > This is my oath,I pledge till the end. > > Why, you may ask? > > Because you're my friend. And the whole reason people have friends is to > have > fun and its not too much fun being a shining beacon.


"Friendship Poem For those tired of the usual "friend" poems, here is a touch of reality" .

When you are sad, I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue, I'll try to dislodge what ever's choking you.

When you smile, I'll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared, I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

When you are confused, I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.

When you are sick, Stay away from me until your well again, I don't want whatever you have.

When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath I pledge till the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend.

Send to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you only have 2 friends, and one of them's not speaking to you right now anyway


Ingredients: 1 Cup water 1 Cup sugar 1 Cup brown sugar 1 Cup lemon juice 1 Cup nuts 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp salt 4 large eggs 2 Cup dried fruit 1 bottle of your favorite whiskey


Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Get a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixerer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the dup of cried fruit. Mix on the turnerer. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who in the world likes fruitcake anyway......


A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."


The Florida State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Osceola, Polk, Manatee, Orange and Dade Counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair".

Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed,"I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us." They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem", said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do." "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said. "Consider it done." the genie said. "And now," the couple both asked in unison,"what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind." The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly. "No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"


A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny.

One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first animal he could find.

As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a sleeping lion.

The Gorilla really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would fuck the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.

Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed.

The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him.

The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it.

When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by.

From behind the paper, the gorilla said, "You mean the one that screwed the lion?" The lion shook his head and shouted, "Oh no! It's already in the papers!"


Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"


This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parent's house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner does the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word. Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. The father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!


> A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more -- would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. > One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. > The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?" > The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" > Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." > "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"


A woman is sitting at a bar having a few drinks. The bartender notices that the woman takes a drink then looks in her purse, she takes another drink then looks in the purse. After a while the bartender goes over and asks what is so important that she continues to look inside her purse after every drink. The woman replies, "I have a picture of my husband inside my purse. When he looks good I'm going to go home."


There was a cruise ship going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island. There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.

They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So........ | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | They buried her.


VP Gore is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

To which the little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Al Gore laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," Al says and he runs off.

A couple of days later Al is running with his buddy Bill Clinton and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Al says to Bill, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

Al says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Bill what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Republicans."

"Whoa!", Al says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."


From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have it breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.


A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table.

As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600 just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the lab work and the cat scan..........."


"Toddler Property Laws" - Rated G

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hands, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a week ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.

8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.

9. If it it's near me, it's mine.

10.If it's broccoli, it's yours.


A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."


A man was in his front yard mowing grass when the kid next door came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

He opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later he came out of his house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the kid came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by his actions the man asked him, "Is something wrong?" To which he replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!".


Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men. To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch. She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.

"No thanks... just give me a few minutes... I'll be fine..." he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs. Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pant and starts massaging his genitals.

"Doesn't that feel better?" she asks.

"Well... yes... That feels pretty good," he admits. "But my thumb still hurts like hell."


Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for some time, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity, she goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well, then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little

Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."


One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"


Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."

"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"

"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year."


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?" "Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands. "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself. After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already?"


At the movie theater Bubba noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously. Bubba moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She welcomed his help, and so Bubba started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn't I good enough?" Bubba asked sheepishly. "Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"


Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife. We'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each. And then goes to the Jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!


The nerve endings, said St. Peter. "How many will I put in her hands?" "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Two hundred, Your Holiness," replied St. Peter. "Then we shall do the same for this woman." "How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals?" inquired St. Peter. "How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord. "Four hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied St. Peter. "Of course, we did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman." "Yes, O Great Lord," said St. Peter. "No, wait," said The Lord. "Give her ten thousand. I want her to scream out my name."


The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


A boy was walking home one day, enraged by a beating he had taken from the school bully. As he crossed the yard, a chicken shot out in front of him and he kicked it. His mother ran out of the house yelling, "I saw that, young man! You can't have any chicken for a month!"

The boy was really mad now and headed to the barn. Thinking the coast was clear, he kicked the pig. His mother came out of nowhere, yelling, "I saw that! You can't have any pork for two months!"

Just then the boy's father pulled up on his tractor, steaming mad. As he dismounted, the cat ran out in front of him & he kicked it, sending it flying. The boy spotted his mother heading in their direction, "Ma, you want to tell him or should I?


A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."


A nurse is doing her rounds on the psychiatric ward one night. On her first round she stops to check on Dave, who is sitting on the end of the bed holding on to an imaginary steering wheel. The nurse says, "Dave, what are you doing?" He replied, " I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse smiles and moves on.

Later in the evening, she rounds again to find Dave still sitting on the edge of his bed, 'driving'; then abruptly makes a gear-shift move and stops. The nurse asks, "Dave, what are you doing now?" Dave replies, "I'm in Chicago!" The nurse smiles and continues her rounds.

Across the hall, the nurse walks in on Rob and is horrified to see him sitting on the edge of his bed, masturbating. She exclaims, "Rob! What are you doing?!" Rob grins and says "I heard Dave's out of town, so I'm fucking his wife!"


It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?" He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?" He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running." The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man." He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running." The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."


One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the sperm bank a young Dr. gave the man a jar and told him to go into th bathroom and put his deposit in it. After what seemed like a long time the young Dr. began to worry about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the Dr. opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and sweating. The Dr. asks, "Are you OK!" The elderly man replied, "Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can't get the lid off this jar to save my life!"


The Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and allbran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

5. If all is not lost, where is it?

6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.


A man and an ostrich went into a bar. The man ordered a beer and the ostrich said, "I'll have one too." The bartender said, "That'll be $2.50." The man put his hand in his pocket, came out with exact amount. The next day they came in again, the man ordered beer, the ostrich said, "Me too." The bartender said ,"That'll be $2.50." The man put his hand in his pocket and came out with exact amount and walked out. The next day they're in yet again. The man said I'll have a scotch. The ostrich said, "Me too." The bartender said, "That'll be $8.50." The man put his hand in his pocket, and out came the exact amount. The bartender asked, "How do you do that? Every time it's the exact amount." The man said, "I found a bottle on the beach and a genie came out and said I could have what a wanted, so I told him I wished for all I could drink and have the right amount to pay for it." The bartender said, "Yeah, but what about the ostrich ?" "Oh," replied the man, "I also asked for a chick with long legs."


A brunette goes to the doctor, and says to him "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body." "That's odd" replied the doctor "Show me what you mean" So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony. and so on. The doctor says to her "Your not a natural brunette are you?" "No 'm a blonde" she replies. "I thought so.... your finger is broken"


One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation:

The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar." The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad." The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness!!!"


One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read. "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know...he said, 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"


A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."


A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a showing this year. So the editors at Shagmail have created a list of the Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see in the 2000 Presidential election.

10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.

9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.

9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?

6. The Private Party... No comment.

5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?

4. The Search Party... Looking for members.

3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.

2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.

And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:

1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.


A little girl was leading her dog through the park when an old man stopped her, saying, "That sure is a nice dog you have there." The little girl smiled and said, "Thank you, sir. It's my dog Porky." The old man chuckled. "I'll bet a nickel I can guess why you call him that." She shook her head. "I'll bet you can't." He laughed and said, "You called him Porky because he's so fat." She shook her head. "No sir, we call him that because he fucks pigs."


The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well..,Well.., Well.., I ... think I need a brain". "DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD ITS TRUE." says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?" "Is Dorothy around?"


A retired gentleman went into the Social Security office to apply for benefits. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "No, just unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair on his chest. She says, "That is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for Disability, too."


This married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years-raw sexual power! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian's thighs. Just as he was about to impale the salesman, the Indian began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!


For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head"


A message from Santa: Hello folks. I just wanted to let you know that Christmas may be a little late this year. See after checking all the boxes and tallying them up, I found some problems with the results.

The first result showed: 428,534,120 Good 428,523,119 Bad

The second result showed: 428,534,118 Good 428,523,121 Bad

So you see, I can't, with good faith, go out and deliver presents while knowing I could have made a mistake. Maybe Little Johnny was good for once, then again, maybe not.

So, I have enlisted the help of all my elves and the Mrs. To help do a recount. We hope to have this finished up by 5pm on the 24th of December, but there is a possibility that it might take longer. You see the tally cards were not quite clear to me, although I made them my-self, I forgot what they meant.

You know, Good...and Bad??? And the check marks I used were not all the same, some went left, some right, some were just a mark. some went through both boxes, and some didn't even have much of a mark on them. I leave it up to them to decide what I meant.

So if you wake up on Christmas morning, and there are no presents under your tree, at least you can tell the kids the story. Thank you for your patience and understanding in these times.



A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys." Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y." Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." "Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"


> > A woman walks into a supermarket and buys: > > > > 1 bar of soap > > 1 toothbrush > > 1 tube of toothpaste > > 1 loaf of bread > > 1 pint of milk > > 1 single serving of cereal > > 1 single serving frozen dinner > > 1 can of Soup For One > > 1 16-oz can of Miller Lite > > > > The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, > > "Single, aren't you?" > > > > The woman smiles sweetly and replies, > > "How did you guess?" > > > > He replies, > > "Because you're ugly."


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in the house." "Don't worry," said Jack, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be out of here at first light." The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined it was from the attorney of the attractive widow he met on the skiing weekend with Bob. He dropped in on his friend, Bob, and asked, "Do you remember that good looking widow from the farm where we stayed on our skiing weekend up north?" "Yes, I do." said Bob. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask? She just died and left me everything.


> We all know those cute little computer >symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. >Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how >about some "assicons"? > Here goes: > (_!_) a regular ass > > (__!__) a fat ass > > (!) a tight ass > > (_^_) a bubble ass > > (_*_) a sore ass > > {_!_} a swishy ass > > (_o_) an ass that's been around > > (_O_) an ass that's been around . . . a lot! > > (_x_) kiss my ass > > (_X_) leave my ass alone > > (_zzz_) a tired ass > > (_o^o_) a wise ass > > (_E=mc2_) a smart ass > > (_$_) Money coming out of his ass > > (_?_) Dumb Ass > > ( !_) Half Ass >


A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey. "Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?" "Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims. "Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time. Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says "It is now 4:45." By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!" "Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?" "Of course", the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed. "Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that. "Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?


A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help as she now continually stands in front of the mirror looking at herself and asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds every day." Willing to try anything the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" The husband shrugs. "Why not? It worked for your butt, didn't it?"


Little Jimmy is sat in the lounge with a circular train set. He watches the train go round and round for a few minutes, stops it by a little wooden station and says "Any of you fuckers want to get off, then get off. Any of you fuckers want to get on, then get on". He then sets the train off, round and round the track. Jimmy's mum is in the kitchen ironing. She hears what he has just said and cant believe her ears. She waits for a few minutes to try and decode what to do. Back in the lounge, Jimmy stops the train at the station again. "Any of you fuckers want to get off, then get off. Any of you fuckers want to get on, then get on". On hearing this the second time, Jimmy's mum storms into the lounge. "Jimmy," she shouts, "that language is absolutely disgusting, I will not have you swearing like that in my home. Go up to your room and think about what you have said." Jimmy, looking dejected and upset, slopes off up to his room. After a twenty minutes, Jimmy's mum decides that she may have been to harsh on him. After all, he's only five, it's probably something he's heard the older boys say, and doesn't know what it means. She calls him down. "Now Jimmy, you must promise mummy that you wont use language like that again. Its very bad, and no one will like you if you say thinks like that." Jimmy says he is sorry and goes back to his train set. He watches it go round and round a couple of times, stops it by the wooden station, and says. "Any of you fuckers want to get off, then get off. Any of you fuckers want to get on, then get on. And if any of you fuckers want to know why this train is twenty minutes late, go and ask the cunt in the kitchen"


Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny. "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am." "Quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," said the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" cried the bunny in obvious excitement, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be a politician."


A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"


A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend, (and his paycheck) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye


How many men does it take to open a bottle of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why did the woman cross the road? More to the point what was she doing away from the kitchen sink.

In the beginning, God created the Earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men fart more than men? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

I have'nt spoken to my wife in 18 months! I don't like to interupt her.


Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"


One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration,he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.


One day, Joe complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00."

Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which said the following: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, Joe began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic". Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better."


Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."


A guy goes ice fishing. He cuts a hole in the ice and drops in his line when a booming voice says, "There are no fish there."

He says, "Is that you, God?" The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of the skating rink."


My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring, But now I've got a full-time job, To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave, For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues, To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!


"Ode to the Spell Checker!"

Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.


"10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should" - Rated PG

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls the white house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this! I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!! Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?"

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"

God says: "So you would love her."

"But God," the man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"

God says: "So she could love you.


Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence.............

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS BLACK: 1. He called everybody "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS JEWISH: 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS ITALIAN: 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN: 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He started a new religion.

But then there were equally good arguments that JESUS WAS IRISH: 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures.

But perhaps the most compelling evidence that JESUS WAS A WOMAN: 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT! 3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.


A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me ." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?


One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy" he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down, I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?" "I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."



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